When I was a small child (smaller than now), then I wanted to be a pilot. Every time I saw a plane flying over my head, I thought that how nice it would feel to watch over everyone from above and I could do anything for such a scene. Then I realized that being a pilot is too risky, after I saw 9/11 on television and also saw hijacking. I realized that it is only through a fight against injustice can we actually expect to achieve mental satisfaction. So, even before I had realized, I threw away my ambitions and decided to become a lawyer. It gave me great motivation to see people cloaked in black, fight on television. I was their fan. And then, as my father and I were chatting over my future (I do not exactly remember, but I think I was round about 13 then), he told me about our lawyer neighbor, who had recently shifted in and how corrupt a lawyer he was. He told me that no matter how much determined I am, to make money I will have to become corrupt as a lawyer. So, that option also went out of the window. And then, something happened.
I was in class 9th. I had been pretty good at academics till then and I had decided to leave my school to join arts in some other school for my +2 and take up history in graduation. These random thoughts were a result of a lot of TV watching and the lack of proper guidance. Then, I almost failed. It was the physics paper in the first term unit test, where I got 2.25 out of 7. It was a disaster for me. Although overall, I had passed in the science unit test, failing in physics made me feel disgusting. I wanted to cry, but did not. There was work to be done. Next all papers in physics in that year, I topped the classroom and for my unmatchable wits and concepts in physics, I was started to be called Einstein in my school (although I would have preferred Newton).
As I reached the end of class 10th, there was a meeting in the school, called upon by the principal and the students + their parents were invited. There, I made the decision to take up science out of nowhere and decided to stay in the same school. That was all due to one man and it was my fortune that he taught me physics for the next two years. Then, somebody told me that there was something by the name of IIT, where the brightest minds of the country go. I thought that lets give it a try. They said that you have to join some kind of institute to take coaching to prepare for a six hours exam that judges whether you are fit to get into IIT or not. I found it a ridiculous way of finding bright minds, but then, I had to get through. So, I joined this institute and by the ways that many take, I also got through JEE with AIR 153. People told me that I had done a great job and proved myself, but I was thinking that wtf? I had just proved how to eat and vomit. Anyways, as soon as I lay footsteps in IITD, I knew that I was among those IITians who were not bright. And then, everything went wrong.
It is difficult to find if believing in yourself is a sin in IIT, because whenever I felt like anywhere near confident, I was slapped by the system. First of all, the courses, then the winter project, which was a disaster. Then, the thing I was the most confident about, the BSP trophy. Everything messed up and I was clueless about everything. Now, I find it difficult to find motivation, leave alone any success. All I can do is to write on my blog or watch movies or drink a lot of cold drinks. All this is ruining me.
I have this great feeling inside me that everything is written, a story of which we all are mere parts. We all obey the rules, the rules of the story. And we are in constant effort to find out that story. I always felt that I have a very important par in this story and believe me; it breaks your heart to realize that you are not in the frame even. You work as a motionless tree on a stage, or a sleeping dog. And it hurts especially when you want to be in the front. It may happen in some cases that you do not want to be recognized let alone lead, but when you want to be recognized as an important part, you feel angry. And you feel like hating everybody who is in the main frame, even though they may not have any part or contribution to your state. Your feel crazy, blaming everybody, saying absurd things in hallucinations and doubting everybody, taking co incident get-togethers in a friend’s room as secret meetings, from which you are excluded because you are worthless. Your work is over, now you can rest. Destiny takes you to places and it may also stop taking you to places. In that scenario, you have nothing to do except hope and believe me that hope goes in vain.
I was in class 9th. I had been pretty good at academics till then and I had decided to leave my school to join arts in some other school for my +2 and take up history in graduation. These random thoughts were a result of a lot of TV watching and the lack of proper guidance. Then, I almost failed. It was the physics paper in the first term unit test, where I got 2.25 out of 7. It was a disaster for me. Although overall, I had passed in the science unit test, failing in physics made me feel disgusting. I wanted to cry, but did not. There was work to be done. Next all papers in physics in that year, I topped the classroom and for my unmatchable wits and concepts in physics, I was started to be called Einstein in my school (although I would have preferred Newton).
As I reached the end of class 10th, there was a meeting in the school, called upon by the principal and the students + their parents were invited. There, I made the decision to take up science out of nowhere and decided to stay in the same school. That was all due to one man and it was my fortune that he taught me physics for the next two years. Then, somebody told me that there was something by the name of IIT, where the brightest minds of the country go. I thought that lets give it a try. They said that you have to join some kind of institute to take coaching to prepare for a six hours exam that judges whether you are fit to get into IIT or not. I found it a ridiculous way of finding bright minds, but then, I had to get through. So, I joined this institute and by the ways that many take, I also got through JEE with AIR 153. People told me that I had done a great job and proved myself, but I was thinking that wtf? I had just proved how to eat and vomit. Anyways, as soon as I lay footsteps in IITD, I knew that I was among those IITians who were not bright. And then, everything went wrong.
It is difficult to find if believing in yourself is a sin in IIT, because whenever I felt like anywhere near confident, I was slapped by the system. First of all, the courses, then the winter project, which was a disaster. Then, the thing I was the most confident about, the BSP trophy. Everything messed up and I was clueless about everything. Now, I find it difficult to find motivation, leave alone any success. All I can do is to write on my blog or watch movies or drink a lot of cold drinks. All this is ruining me.
I have this great feeling inside me that everything is written, a story of which we all are mere parts. We all obey the rules, the rules of the story. And we are in constant effort to find out that story. I always felt that I have a very important par in this story and believe me; it breaks your heart to realize that you are not in the frame even. You work as a motionless tree on a stage, or a sleeping dog. And it hurts especially when you want to be in the front. It may happen in some cases that you do not want to be recognized let alone lead, but when you want to be recognized as an important part, you feel angry. And you feel like hating everybody who is in the main frame, even though they may not have any part or contribution to your state. Your feel crazy, blaming everybody, saying absurd things in hallucinations and doubting everybody, taking co incident get-togethers in a friend’s room as secret meetings, from which you are excluded because you are worthless. Your work is over, now you can rest. Destiny takes you to places and it may also stop taking you to places. In that scenario, you have nothing to do except hope and believe me that hope goes in vain.
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